Siegfried has been coughing since Saturday, October 30. We only went to see his Pedia today and news shocked me with lightning speed. His doctor says he might have bronchial asthma. The word itself “asthma” echoes in my mind and blinds me enough not to digest whatever the doctor is saying after that announcement. No, no, no! I thought. Please don’t let him be like this. And then the doctor asked about our history–if I or Jb has a history of asthma and yes, both has. Pieces of memory flashes back at me, from those days when doctors had to get my blood sample through my fingers, to those days when I had to drink carrot and tomato juice in cans, to those days when I had to drink lots of medicine. And right now, all I can think of is Sieg’s future similar to what a childhood I had experienced which never crossed my mind to be possible for my own kid. His doctor said it’s not yet certain because it’s the first time she hears Sieg’s cough. So we have to bring him back on Monday for a follow-up checkup. The doctor also says that yes, it is possible for him to inherit the dreadful asthma, that there is a high risk of him having it given that we, his parents had history with the dreadful asthma.
I fight back the tears. I have to be brave, even if it is only to show my kids that I am brave and can handle whatever it is that is happening right now. I set aside my dark thoughts and focus on the matter at hand. Siegfried was nebulized three times in the clinic because I did not want to confine him at the hospital.
My mom has always been a savior at times I’m so tight and cannot breathe. She paid for the bill and I can only thank her in words right now.
I don’t make much money. I got no permanent job and though the internet has some to offer, I cannot fully face the computer because I have a two-year old Siegfried who tugs on my shirt, insisting to play with him; and a nine-month Liam who cries every now and then for me to breastfeed him. But the war does not stop there. I have to make myself productive in ways I have yet to uncover. I have to move fast and earn fast. I have to do what I do best: reading, writing, drawing, and selling books online. I have to use every bit of space that I have. I must not waste a minute and gather all positive energy I can handle to make things right and possible. And though I am struggling with my own dilemmas of a stressful mommyhood, I have to think of my family first.
Our Sundays in Photos is a thing here on my blog that I want to start and actually I am posting from last October 24, 2014. This is us.
In the end, that was life: a few plates, a favorite comb, a pair of slippers, a child’s string of beads.(Kaushik, Unaccustomed Earth)
With that statement I read today, I started to list down my future plans before as a child, as a teenager, as an adult, and as a mother.
As a child:
- I planned to be an educator to Kindergartens, to play with them and be beautiful as a model for them to admire.
- I planned to travel the world and look for fairy tale princesses and princes for me to interview.
- I planned to marry my father when I become an adult and buy him an expensive car.
- I planned to meet a frog who, when kissed, would turn into a wonderful prince.
As a teenager:
- I planned to be a painter, a writer, and an actress. In short, an artist with many talents.
- I planned to travel the world on my own, dating one man in one country, in a fancy restaurant but not committing myself to anyone.
- I planned to be an educator of life to high school students and teach them love and life and all its mysteries.
. . . . . But with too much love I gave too much and of my family earlier than expected. Before i met the father of my son , , , ,
- I planned to live alone, to have a lot of jobs and have a simple house by the lake.
As an Adult:
I think that being an adult comes with being a parent. So . . .
As a Mother:
- I plan to finish my degree when my son is well cared for, when he is close to me enough to be with anyone who will look after him while I am studying.
- I plan to be an educator of life, of love, to be a Psychologist at the same time — having a clinic in our house, to be a writer who writes whenever I am not focused on anything serious, to be a painter who paints life and sells them big time, to be a business person helping mom fix her complicated life, to be a professional cook for my husband and son.
- I plan to build our house by the sea or be the lake, experiencing the four sacred seasons.
- I plan to provide a car to my siblings – now seven – and hope that I could even give my mom and dad a house in the forest.
As of now I continue to dream and plan things for tomorrow. “Life is a matter of choice and love” they say so our past would not really have an impact to our future and the “now” is the only thing we should focus on.