Exhausting Day


Siegfried has been coughing since Saturday, October 30. We only went to see his Pedia today and news shocked me with lightning speed. His doctor says he might have bronchial asthma. The word itself “asthma” echoes in my mind and blinds me enough not to digest whatever the doctor is saying after that announcement. No, no, no! I thought. Please don’t let him be like this. And then the doctor asked about our history–if I or Jb has a history of asthma and yes, both has. Pieces of memory flashes back at me, from those days when doctors had to get my blood sample through my fingers, to those days when I had to drink carrot and tomato juice in cans, to those days when I had to drink lots of medicine. And right now, all I can think of is Sieg’s future similar to what a childhood I had experienced which never crossed my mind to be possible for my own kid. His doctor said it’s not yet certain because it’s the first time she hears Sieg’s cough. So we have to bring him back on Monday for a follow-up checkup. The doctor also says that yes, it is possible for him to inherit the dreadful asthma, that there is a high risk of him having it given that we, his parents had history with the dreadful asthma.
I fight back the tears. I have to be brave, even if it is only to show my kids that I am brave and can handle whatever it is that is happening right now. I set aside my dark thoughts and focus on the matter at hand. Siegfried was nebulized three times in the clinic because I did not want to confine him at the hospital.
My mom has always been a savior at times I’m so tight and cannot breathe. She paid for the bill and I can only thank her in words right now.
I don’t make much money. I got no permanent job and though the internet has some to offer, I cannot fully face the computer because I have a two-year old Siegfried who tugs on my shirt, insisting to play with him; and a nine-month Liam who cries every now and then for me to breastfeed him. But the war does not stop there. I have to make myself productive in ways I have yet to uncover. I have to move fast and earn fast. I have to do what I do best: reading, writing, drawing, and selling books online. I have to use every bit of space that I have. I must not waste a minute and gather all positive energy I can handle to make things right and possible. And though I am struggling with my own dilemmas of a stressful mommyhood, I have to think of my family first.


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